Settling In, Setting Up, Starting Off
One month has passed since my last update, and it is a month spent settling into a new rhythm of life. We have our home now, and have continued with the endless process of improving things as we accustom ourselves to the experience of having a place to call home. In the weeks since moving in, we have begun to populate the patio garden with flowers; the interior with lush greenery. Decorations and adornments are finding their places upon the blank canvas of bare walls, and every drawer has been rendered meticulously organised under Alessandra's supervision. It can be overwhelming, at times, to consider all the things you would like to add or change when building a home, but we are doing our best to take one step at a time, doing a little here, a little there.
Let the repotting begin
At the end of my last entry, I told you that the next lot of scans – which occurred early July – had just been completed, and we were anxiously awaiting results, which were to be given in-person the following week. The waiting soon turned to dread.
You see, some time back, I discovered a back-door way of getting the heads up on some of my results: some scans were completed at the hospital, which held onto the results until I received them during scheduled appointments – whereas other scans were completed through a private clinic the hospital would refer me to. This clinic has an online patient portal – through which, I discovered, I can access their scan images and reports as soon as they are available. Naturally, as the date of my appointment crept closer, I regularly checked the portal for the report of the PET scan (the MRI having been completed through the hospital); and, one day, there it was.
I read the report, and my stomach tightened, my mind slowing. No spread to other parts of the body, the report noted – but there was an area of intense activity just below the treated tumour, highly suspicious of metastasis. The document ended by recommending correlation with the MRI to confirm the diagnosis.
It's difficult to say what I felt. It was not a strong emotion, like despair – more a preparatory awareness that had lain dormant for a time, now resurfacing to advise me that this might be it. This might well be the beginning of the end; a long, downhill path of treatment and side-effects and disability, before death takes me. It was a quiet sort of feeling – though I also knew that I did not have all the data, and should avoid jumping to conclusions ahead of time. I told Alessandra of what the report suggested, and prepared space in my mind for this outcome. I became increasingly aware of discomfort in the treated area – an ache, mostly, which became a throbbing at night – and tried not to think of a tumour growing and spreading inside me.
Then it was the day of the appointment. We made our way to the hospital, whiled away forty-five minutes in the waiting room, and were finally called in.
"Good news," my oncologist began, and hope began to flicker inside me – a hope which grew into relief. He proceeded to explain that the area of activity is almost certainly post-cyberknife inflammation, as it is entirely within the treated area. With no spread and no other activity to speak of, we can stick with surveillance and schedule in another set of scans in three months' time.
In a strange way, being led to believe the worst was healing for me. It offered another profound opportunity – of which I have now had several – to meditate on the trajectory and quality of my life, right now, in the present. It allowed me to conclude that I have had the inestimable gift of a good life – well-lived, for all its challenges. I have the love of a beautiful woman and my family and friends. I have the freedom to pursue my hobbies and passions. I have been able to travel and experience the world. I have been given so much – more than most can hope for – and it is in these moments of darkness that the gratitude shines most brightly in me. Now, with the relief and joy at the additional gift of three more months of health, Alessandra and I can turn our attention to building our new life together, and occupying ourselves in meaningful ways.
Soon after getting the good news, we sat down to have a long conversation about the path ahead. Alessandra was far from done with travel, feeling that we had barely begun our adventures before being forced home again. At the same time, there was work to think of – I had an open offer from an old colleague to engage in telehealth counselling work through his business, and Alessandra had just received an unexpected offer to manage the after school care linked to the daycare she had taught at before we hit the road. Then, there was the question of marriage – which is a whole other kettle of fish.
By the end of our talk, we had come to a decision: we would each prepare to re-enter the workforce, and continue to settle our new home over the coming months. As things continue to stabilise on home and work fronts, we will turn our attention to wedding planning, which will include a planner to ensure stress is kept to a minimum. Then, when the results of the next scans are in-hand, we will return to the question of travel. We decided to keep Ziggy for now, and he remains asleep at a storage facility in Germany - outside of the odd outing with his grandmother. With a little luck, we will be able to have at least one more extended road trip in him, making our way through Spain and France before selling him and returning home. That's the hope, anyway.
There are many more pins still to add to our travel map
I've enrolled in an online art course, too, due to begin in late August. The class was filled by the time I had decided to enrol, but they made an allowance for me. The instructor even gave me a free code for another course she's running, and I've been throwing myself into these studies in the interim.
As of the time of writing, Alessandra is in the midst of her first week of work, with all the excitement, exhaustion and overwhelming emotions that come with entering a new role. As for me, I'll be taking on my first clients in the next fortnight or so, and am looking forward to seeing how the work begins and develops.
One month since my last post, and we have spent much of it striving to consolidate ourselves. There has been much to consider – many ups and downs, surprises and opportunities – but, with time, we will settle ourselves into something new; and, I expect, something better. And by the time this new platform we are building for ourselves settles, we will be ready to leap into whatever comes next.
What can we take from the past month? Let's see...
Do a little at a time, consistently.
Draw no conclusions until you have all the information.
It can be helpful to reflect on the state of your life, as though what you have could be taken away at any moment. This is the path to gratitude.
We need meaningful pursuits to keep our time and energy engaged.
A dynamic cycle of stability and instability is what keeps us vital and alive. We need time to consolidate and prepare, of course, but when we've taken that time, we must leap from this stable place and into the opportunity of the unknown.
